Rex Ryan is the Most Obese Teenage Girl Alive

Now that football is back, here are a couple of things that need to happen:

• Free Agents need to be signed.
• Training Camps need to start.
• Useless exhibition games need to be played.
• Rex Ryan needs to shut the fuck up.

Here is a basic synopsis of  what happened: Shaun Ellis, the DE/DT formerly of the New York Jets signed a 1 year/$4 million contract with the New England Patriots. Ellis spent his first 11 years with the inferior New York football team. As we all know, the Jets and Patriots have a cute little rivalry going. They’re competing for America’s least favorite team. Now, you may be asking, “what’s so cute about a football rivalry?” Well, for one thing the Patriots have four super bowls, and the Jets, along with their fans, sold their souls for the one super bowl they posses[1]. But I digress.

The Jets reportedly offered Ellis the veteran’s minimum of $910K. And now by signing for quadruple the amount of money, Ellis is a traitor. Give me a break. Benedict Arnold was a traitor. Johnny Damon was a traitor[2]. Roger Clemens was a traitor[3]. Wade Boggs was asshole. And a traitor[4]. The devil himself, Bill Belichek was also a traitor[5]. LeBron, Judas, Don Cheadle, Fredo, Chris Cooper, Deion. All were traitors.

But there was one glaring difference. Their transgressions involved accessory to murder, murder, being unstable, selling secrets to the Russians[6]. and, most importantly, leaving even when the outside variables were the same for either side they could chose. Basically, they left when the money was the same[7]. That right there--- that’s the biggest slap in the face you can give to a fan base. But when you’re a veteran who gave his career to a team that sucked the majority of the time you were there[8]. and now you want to either (A) win something, (B) get what money you still can or (C) possibly re-establish your worth, what exactly do people take offense to?

So listen up Rex Ryan because I’m only going to write this once, and god knows it takes you a while to read things: If you want a player to stay on your team, especially a player who was loyal to your team and spent his prime playing for maybe not YOU personally but the organization you’re a part of, don’t lowball him. Don’t screw him over the way you do your wife’s feet[9]. If you had offered him something higher, maybe in the range of two-three million, I guarantee you he would have stayed. And then to go and cry to the media, cry like you do after not being able to finish on your wife’s feet is just childish[10].

“Oh no, he left. I won’t root for him. No! No! No! No!” (Cue feet stomping[11].) You acted like a kid on Christmas who didn’t get that new toy, or a kid on Hanukah who DID get that book that he DIDN'T want[12], or a kid on Kwanza that­ __________, or even a kid on Ramadan that got force fed some pork[13]/found out he had a faulty rocket launcher[14]. But seriously bro (Can I call you bro? No? Your mouth says ‘no’, but your shirt, beer and boyfriend say ‘yes’) for someone who prides himself on his toughness, grit, and hard-nosed/tough skinned/"other strong adjective+facial feature" style of living life[15], going out and saying that now you wont root for him is the complete opposite of whatever bull it is that you’re selling. You sound hurt.

And yet you know as well as everyone else does that football is a business. And you and Mike Tananbaum just screwed the business.

(Done addressing Rex, back to the reader)

Now, I don’t know how much Ellis still has in the tank, and personally, I don’t care[16]. My problem now lies with the media, who Ryan has brain-washed into agreeing with everything he says, not giving him any flack for it, not calling him on his bullshit, and letting him tarnish the legacy Ellis left with the Jets[17]. (A little hyperbolic? Sure. Fight me.)

But all of that is fine. It’s all good because he won something. Right? Of course he did. Nobody in their right mind could be that cocky and provocative and yet not have anything to back it up. In fact, for that much trash talk and confidence, he must have multiple titles…In multiple sports! Hold on, let me check. Oh yeah that’s right. He hasn’t won shit. He’s no Lombardi, even though he’s made out to be just like him. Hell, he isn’t even Tom Coughlin. Any objectors to that statement can refer to this. And then shove it.

So let’s recap: Rex Ryan has zero rings, zero super bowl appearances, and the confidence of someone who has nine of each.


By my math, he can go ahead and shut up.

---

1 It was 1969, and Joe Namath left Woodstock slightly baked only to then guarantee that the Jets would win the super bowl as underdogs, and doing all this while flying to the moon *allegedly* and depositing 80,000 sperm cells in a volcano which will erupt very soon killing everyone but Tom Cruise and John Travolta. That’s how scientology got started, right? Or did I get my shit mixed up again?

2 Do I see a pattern growing?

3 Yes. Yes I do.

4Ok, I think we’re done.

5 Nope. Now we are. Moral of the story is that Boston Sports suck and should be shat upon relentlessly. 

6 And we’re still only talking about Deion.

7 Or took less in LeBron’s case. Suck it Cleveland. Ha! Oh right. Sorry Cleveland.

8 And might have underpaid you as it correlated to the market value.

9 Shots fired! Oh crap SHOTS HAVE BEEN FIRED!!!

10 You don’t want me to go there. Trust me.

11 Among other things… Alright I’m done.

12 My parents hate me. I’m convinced. They got other me school supplies too. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR.

13 That joke is smart.

14 That one is not

15 Which by the way is complete bullshit. He’s an attention whore who’s as self conscious and conceded as any high school girl. They also listen to the same music. And to the person who tells me that Rex does it to take the pressure off of his team---fuck you. And to the person agrees and adds “he’s a genius”---fuck you twice. In the feet.

16 Vlad does though.

17 I don’t normally defend Jets, but here I go: He was the cornerstone of an albeit up-and-down defense, he was at times their only premier player, and he still wasn’t recognized as such. If Peter King says Aaron Smith is the most gifted 3-4 DE of his generation, the Ellis has a strong case for number two.

Danstein is the creator, Editor-in-Chief and devoted leader of The Daily Danstein. He thinks he is good at writing. He is the future General Manager of the Washington Nationals as well as a future writer for “insert-good-website/newspaper-here.” Follow him on the Twitter here. Email him here.